感谢关心我的每一个人~并祝福大家身体健康，万事如意，工作顺利，大吉大利！

将进酒

君不见黄河之水天上来，奔流到海不复回。
君不见高堂明镜悲白发，朝如青丝暮成雪。
人生得意须尽欢，莫使金樽空对月。
天生我材必有用，千金散尽还复来。
烹羊宰牛且为乐，会须一饮三百杯。
岑夫子，丹丘生，将进酒，杯莫停  
与君歌一曲，请君为我侧耳听。
钟鼓馔玉何足贵，但愿长醉不复醒 
古来圣贤皆寂寞，惟有饮者留其名。
陈王昔时宴平乐，斗酒十千恣欢谑。
主人何为言少钱,径须沽取对君酌。
五花马，千金裘，呼儿将出换美酒，与尔同销万古愁。

　　请听好
　　从先在开始要学会掌握自己的人生
　　你对生活的定义从小就很清楚
　　所以你很孤独
　　你的孤独是来自你对未来命运的感叹
　　你是被古代占星认识最早的星座
　　也是骨骼最完整的星座
　　虽然没有闪亮的星光
　　但是整体构架上你是最完美的星座
　　所以请不要自卑
　　也不要徘徊
　　你可能不是帅哥美女
　　但是你真诚迷人的微笑是12星座中最温暖人心的阳光
　　微笑着的你是最美的
　　像是初夏的雏菊
　　
　　你应该很少朋友
　　至少知道你心事的朋友不超过一定比率
　　知道你心事的人可以是：金牛座、巨蟹座、天蝎座、处女座、射手座
　　你的一生中看能会面临比较折磨你的感情
　　而这样的感情来自于：狮子座和射手座
　　
　　如果你是摩羯座，你一定会爱上其中一个星座
　　至少是曾经爱过
　　在这段感情里，摩羯座是主动和积极的
　　多半也是被伤害至深的
　　当性格温和的摩羯座决定放弃的时候，狮子座会觉得生命中失去了挚爱
　　
　　而射手座会觉得失去了最懂自己的人
　　于是，当摩羯座的伤口开始恢复的时候
　　射手座和狮子座刚刚开始经历漫漫长夜
　　而这样的折磨有可能是一生的
　　因为没有人比摩羯座更懂得这两个星座
　　但是不幸的是，不管是摩羯座+狮子座，还是摩羯座+射手座
　　这样的成功几率却很少
　　大概都是因为摩羯座迟迟等不到承诺而放弃了前进的动力
　　
　　狮子座的眼中的摩羯座是不可亵渎的
　　是高尚的，是值得珍惜的，这样的情况下狮子却没有了追逐的动力
　　当摩羯座宣布结束的时候
　　不，摩羯座不会宣布结束，只会淡淡的消失，甚至是无影无踪
　　我相信临行前的摩羯座会把冰箱里的食物准备好，整理好房间，最后一次亲吻爱人的衣服
　　应该是没有泪水的，摩羯座有微笑着祝福别人的度量，而这点是12星座中别人都不具备的
　　射手座眼中的摩羯座是稳定的，是家和温馨的地方，对于自由的射手座来说
　　摩羯座是个归属，只是早晚的问题
　　也正因这个问题，导致了很多事情都不可复制
　　
　　都说摩羯座追求事业大过家庭
　　其实这个是错误的
　　天生害羞的摩羯座是很难表达自己的感情的
　　土星的力量让他们变得坚强并且坚韧
　　好父母的名单里不出前三
　　一定会发现摩羯座的影子
　　这就是最好的例证
　　摩羯座喜欢照顾别人并且为别人默默奉献
　　这样的人不仅仅限于家庭
　　摩羯座还是社会道德感最强烈的星座之一
　　在这点上不输狮子座
　　强烈的正义感加上温情的外表
　　摩羯座会出现很多的才子
　　著名的《流星花园》原著中的花泽类就是摩羯座的典型代表
　　
　　都说摩羯座城府深，善于心计
　　其实不然，摩羯座只是天生出生在寒冷的季节
　　让他们对世界有了更深刻的认识
　　也善于观察实物
　　但是很少有摩羯座看透一件事情之后就马上说破
　　他们还是习惯的按部就班的做事情
　　尽管他们已经知道结局
　　
　　摩羯座最好的配偶星座是金牛座和处女座
　　这两个都是家居型的星座
　　摩羯座和他们在一起可能不会有浪漫的轰轰烈烈的爱情
　　只有细水长流的温情和相濡以沫
　　
　　摩羯座最好的朋友是白羊座，但是最可怕的是白羊座爱上了摩羯座
　　那会导致两只羊之间的战争
　　如果白羊座妥协了
　　那么这是段美妙的爱情
　　
　　摩羯座最吸引的星座是天蝎座和狮子座
　　天蝎座青睐摩羯座的睿智和深沉
　　因为天蝎座的深沉都是沉默装出来的
　　狮子座喜欢摩羯座的才情
　　几乎所有的狮子座都认为
　　摩羯座在才华方面是12星座中最好的老师
　　自然也是自己想占有的人
　　一旦这样的欲望开始
　　狮子座会打着“朋友”的旗号接近摩羯座
　　直到他意识到爱上了摩羯座
　　
　　摩羯座最佳的知心朋友是巨蟹和金牛座
　　巨蟹座会无比柔情的表示同情和支持
　　尽管未必认同
　　金牛座则会理智的分析
　　相比较而言和这两个星座在一起摩羯座会感觉很安全
　　
　　摩羯座是一个最好的朋友
　　基本上不会掩饰自己对你或者对你行为的看法
　　只要是摩羯座说出口的就是有必要的
　　你可以不采纳
　　但是请听完
　　
　　如果你的身边有摩羯座
　　请珍惜他
　　珍惜一个几乎不会说谎
　　做事直白的摩羯座
　　心思细腻的摩羯座如果被伤害
　　一般会有两个举动
　　一个是彻底离开，慢慢复原
　　一个是永久的沉沦
　　成为一个微笑杀手
　　
　　摩羯座可以生活的很放荡
　　这样的放荡可以让双子和双鱼叹为观止
　　摩羯座可以轻易的俘获一个星座
　　只要这是的摩羯座已经走火入魔
　　
　　最后送给所有摩羯座的朋友一句话
　　为什么你的眼中总是含有泪水？
　　因为你爱的深沉！

延续上一套的色调，全新的元素，电子 时尚 电影，演绎4周年

海报

载入中……

因为我知道你是个容易担心的小孩子
所以我将线交你手中 却也不敢飞得太远
不管我随著风飞翔到云间我希望你能看得见
就算我偶尔会贪玩迷了路也知道你在等著我
我是一个贪玩又自由的风筝每天都会让你担忧
如果有一天迷失风中 要如何回到你身边
因为我知道你是个容易担心的小孩子
所以我会在乌云来时轻轻滑落在你怀中
 
我是一个贪玩又自由的风筝每天都会让你担忧
如果有一天迷失风雨中要如何回到你身边
贪玩又自由的风筝 每天都游戏在天空
如果有一天扯断了线 你是否会回来寻找我
如果有一天迷失风中带我回到你的怀中
因为我知道你是个容易担心的小孩子
所以我在飞翔的时候 却也不敢飞得太远

天籁世界 洞听中国，给张家界音乐节做的设定，后来还有很多版本

———————————————————————————————–

　

李雷与韩梅梅之歌
词曲唱：徐誉滕

一切从那本英语书开始的
那书中的男孩LiLei
身边的女孩名叫HanMeimei
还有JimLily和Lucy
KateLinTao和UncleWang
一只会说话的鹦鹉叫Polly它到处飞
好多年没有再一次翻开它
但那一段说的谁和谁
偶尔还能细细回味
书中他们的喜与悲
书外身后的是与非
还有隐隐约约和我
一起长大的小暧昧
后来听说LiLei和HanMeimei谁也未能牵着谁的手
Lucy回国Lily去了上海
身边还有了那么多男朋友
Jim做了汽车公司经理
娶了中国太太衣食无忧
LinTao当了警察
UncleWang他去年退了休
有点遗憾LiLei和HanMeimei
谁也未能牵着谁的手
一样的是我们都有了个
当初不曾遥想的以后 还好
Polly它还活着
就像我们当年的小美好
他永远都不会老
在心底不会飞走
 —————————————————————–
在新的教材里，当年的hanmeimei变成了Ms han（韩太太）。她嫁的是一个新人物：HanGang(韩刚)。她的齐耳短发也变成了成熟时髦的造型，在厨房中忙前忙后，照顾两个孩子用餐对于这个结局，许多人表示不能接受，“她的孩子一个叫Han Keke, 一个叫Han Xixi，翻译过来就是——可可，惜惜，分明就是表达了她对不能嫁给Li Lei的可惜与无奈。”

而李雷，成为了一名教师，戴着眼镜，妻子未知。

TBBT真是冷啊~不过蛮好看的~推荐一下

【剧情简介】：
　　Leonard和Sheldon都是天才横溢的物理学家，拥有所谓能理解宇宙万物运行之定律的“美丽心灵”。然而，他们的这些天赋却完全无助于他们与常人的交往，尤其是跟女性。。。不过，自从一位活泼开朗的美人儿Penny成为他们的邻居后，一切开始慢慢发生了变化。
Sheldon依然满足于将夜晚花在和他们的社交障碍友人，同为加州理工的科学家Wolowitz和Koothrappali一起玩克林贡拼词游戏上，可Leonard却在Penny身上看见了一个全新的宇宙，充满了各种可能性的宇宙……其中当然也包括了爱情。
上一季结尾时，我们的nerd四人组在Sheldon的带领下前往北极进行科考。出发前，Penny为Leonard织了一件披肩，貌似依依惜别的两人在新季中会有什么样的进展？在北极的这三个月里，我们可爱的Sheldon是否有了不一样的经历呢？
【演员介绍】：
Jim Parsons 饰 Sheldon

Jim Parsons出生于休斯顿，生日为3月24日。目前居住在纽约布鲁克林。他喜爱演奏钢琴，观看网球、棒球及篮球等体育比赛。
Parsons拥有休斯顿大学戏剧表演专业学士学位。在校期间，他参与筹办了一个非盈利戏剧公司，并参演了该公司制作的《终极之战》《红男绿女》及《阳台》。
Jim Parsons曾在CBS电视台的剧集《法外柔情》中出演常规角色，并客串了电视剧《急症室的故事》。电影方面，他的代表作有《情归新泽西》《与犹大同路》《伊甸园的花匠》《10件或更少》及《噱头大王》。

Johnny Galecki 饰 Leonard

1975年4月30日生于比利时，当时他的父亲服役于美国陆海空三军，所以Johnny是在芝加哥长大的。Galecki在很小的时候就知道自己想要当一名演员，7岁的时候就已经有不少舞台经验了。
Johnny开始他的职业演员生涯是在12岁的时候，他的首次登台是1988年在《Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon》中饰演River Phoenix’s的兄弟。在1989年的《National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation》这部片子中从Anthony Michael Hall手中接演Rusty这个角色。1990年出演过迷你剧《Blind Faith》里的Robert Urich的儿子和NBC的短剧《American Dreamer》。Galecki与Roseanne一起出演，Johnny很少和喜剧女演员一起合作，在这部片子中饰演Roseanne Barr，扮演她的儿子。在《Back Field in Motion》（1991）这个剧中一直演到最后一季(1997)。1997年出演故事片《I Know What You Did Last Summer》和喜剧《Bean》，接着在同年又发布另一部获得好评的片子《Suicide Kings》。
拍过一些普普通通的电视剧之后（2006年客串《My Name is Earl》，参演2005-2006这一季的《Hope and Faith》中的某一段情节，在TBS的连续剧《MY BOYS》中饰演一个不太令人满意的角色），Galecki推翻自己尝试新形式的表演，他出现在百老汇的剧中，Carter Beene的同性恋好莱坞讽刺文学作品，《The Little Dog Laughed》，饰演Alex，一个年轻的男妓。此剧播出后收视率从2006年11月13日到2007年2月18日一直居高不下。这是那一季唯一一部在百老汇播出的美国剧。
目前，Johnny出演这部CBS2007-2008这一季中的情景喜剧《The Big Bang Theory》。饰演Leonard。

Kaley Cuoco 饰 Penny

1985年出生于美国加利福利亚州，当她仅八个月大的时候就出现在屏幕上，从此就注定她的生活要和电视这一行打交道。她不断的参加数不尽的面试希望能得到一个固定角色，并且在6岁时已经开始了模特的职业。她获得的第一主要电影角色是在1995参演《Virtuosity Kaley》，之后Cuoco经常出现在不同的电影和电视秀中，目前正在参演电视剧《Charmed and 8 Simple Rules》，而且还开始尝试配音的工作，她还将不停的尝试更多的领域。

Simon Helberg 饰 Wolowitz

最近饰演角色：Alex Dwyer 《Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip》
Simon Helberg曾参与过多部电视剧电影的演出，电视剧计有：《MAD TV》，《Reno911》，《时间旅人》和《日落大道60号工作室》；电影有《留级之王》，《Old School》，《晚安，好运》和《For Your Consideration》、《Mama’s Boy》和贾德·阿帕图的电影《永不止步》。
Simon乃是土生土长的洛杉矶人。

Kunal Nayyar 饰 Koothrappal

Kunal Nayyar生于英国伦敦，童年时代基本是在印度新德里度过的，目前居住于洛杉矶。
他在《生活大爆炸》中的角色乃是他第一份作为常规演员的工作，之前还在《海军犯罪调查处》中有过客串演出。

FML即 F*** my life的缩写，直译的话就是“艹，我的生活烂透了……”
在你感到不舒心的时候去这里，你会顿时发现生活原来没有最倒霉，只有更倒霉。

Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML
今天，我在邮箱里收到了我的护照。他们把我的生日搞错了。然后我找到了我一起送去申请护照的出生证明。结果我发现我的父母16年来一直在错误的一天给我过生日。FML

Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML

今天，我在上课的时候睡觉。我的JJ石更了，而且我穿的是很宽松的裤子。我的老师走了过来一把抓住了我的JJ——她以为那是我手机。FML

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room… my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

今天，我听见了我的姐姐在她的房间里面ZW。为了逃出去，我带着狗出去遛了遛。我回来的时候正巧碰见她出来，手里拿的东西是——我的电动牙刷。FML

Today, this really attractive woman that I’ve known for years told me that when I can have sex with her standing up, she’ll have sex with me. I’m confined to a wheelchair. FML

今天，一个我认识了很久的很性感的女人跟我说，如果我能站着和她做，她就和我做。我残疾坐轮椅。FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed “Yes Brittany!” at the top of his lungs. My name’s not Brittany. That’s his sister. FML

今天，我在和我的男朋友OOXX。当他要丢了的时候，他突然声嘶力竭地大喊“太棒了Brittany！！”我的名字不是Brittany.Brittany是他的妹妹。FML

Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type ‘virginia’ into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for ‘virgin boy assholes’. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I’m a young guy. FML

今天，我老板叫我去他的办公室，要给我看一个可能成为我们的商业伙伴的公司的网站。当他在谷歌里面打“Virginia”这个词的时候，网站把他的搜索自动补完成了他最近才搜索过的词条——“小处男的菊花”。我明天就要和他一起出差。我是个年轻男人。FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend to come over for dinner because I had some big news. He said he did too, and came over. After stuffing his face full of food, he broke up with me and said he’d re-enlisted into the marines, leaving in two weeks. I was going to tell him i’m 9 weeks pregnant. FML

今天，我让我男朋友来我家吃饭因为我有个大消息要告诉他。他说他也有个大消息要告诉我。在他吃得差不多的时候，他说要和我分手因为他两个星期以后就要去海军陆战队报道了。我准备告诉他我已经怀孕9个星期了。FML

Today, I found out that I’m pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news. When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I saw him making out with a man. FML

今天，我发现我怀孕了。我已经和老公试了很长时间，所以我等不及要把这个好消息告诉他。当我推开他的办公室的门准备给他一个惊喜时，我看到他和一个男的在亲热。FML

Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, “Beat ya!” She’s thirteen. FML

今天，我的女儿问我我是什么时候破处的。当我告诉她是22岁时，她立马大喊道：“我赢喽！！”她今年才13。FML

Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML

今天，我结婚9年的老公告诉我说他是搞基的。他甚至还暗示我说，他和我在一起的时候能硬起来，是因为我长得比较爷们。FML

Today I noticed that my daughter was making funny noises which oddly resembled sex sounds my wife makes. When I asked her what she was doing she said “I’m pretending to be mommy from last night.” I was on a business trip last night. FML

今天，我发现我女儿在模仿很奇怪的、听起来像我老婆在OOXX时发出的声音。当我问她你在干嘛的时候她说“我在学我妈咪昨晚的声音”。我昨晚出差。FML

Today, my wife is divorcing me because she wants to party more with her friends alone. One year ago, I followed her to Norway, where her family lives. I left my friends, family and job opportunities (which were very good) in order to live with her. Now I am shoveling shit on a horse farm. FML

今天，我老婆要和我离婚因为她想和她的狐朋狗友们多玩一玩。一年前，我跟着她来到了她老家挪威。我离开了我的朋友，家庭和一份很好的工作，就是为了和她一起住。现在我TMD在一个马场铲马粪。FML

Today, I got a call from the hospital that my fiance was in the ER. When I arrived at the hospital they told me that he had a heart attack while having sex. FML

今天，我接到一个电话说我的未婚夫被送进了急救室。当我赶到急救室的时候，他们告诉我说原因是他在和某人OOXX的时候心脏病发作了。FML

Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she’s looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I’m going to medical school. FML

今天，我交往了三年的女友离开了我找了个新男友。她的理由是她需要找一个可靠的未来的经济后盾。没错那个哥们确实是有一个卖手机的亭子。但是我就要在医学院就读了。FML

Today, my teacher demanded to talk to my dad because she thought he wasn’t a good enough male role model because i’d misbehaved. i told her he had died of cancer in 2005. She said that my lie was rude, disgraceful, and that i should be ashamed, then gave me a detention. He actually did die. FML

今天，我老师要求和我爸谈话因为她认为我爸没给我起到一个好的榜样作用。我告诉她我爸在05年就死于癌症。结果她说我的谎言很粗鲁，没人性，不害臊，然后把我留校了。我爸是真的死了。FML

Today, I had to make a family tree for one of my classes. When I was going through it, I realized that both my parents have the same last name. So, I asked them about it and they told me that they are second cousins. FML

今天，我有个做张家庭族谱的作业。当我在做的时候，我意识到我的父母的姓其实是一样的。所以我去问他们这是不是个巧合，结果他们告诉我说他们实际上是表亲关系。FML

Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, “soon, this will be plump with my seed.” FML

今天，我第一次和这个男生出去约会。我们去了星巴克，聊着天，很愉快。突然，他把他的手放到我肚子上说：“不久之后，这里就会被我的种子灌满”。FML

Today, I decided to take a nap. My boyfriend gave me some sleeping pills but I decided last minute not to take them. I woke up to my boyfriend kissing my neck and unbuttoning my shirt. Without opening my eyes, I whispered “ooh this is so romantic.” He blurted out shocked, “Oh…you’re awake?!” FML

今天，我打算打个盹。我男朋友给了我一些安眠药但是我最后没决定吃。我迷迷糊糊地醒来的时候发现他在亲我的脖子，解开我的衬衫。我闭着眼睛低语道：“嗯……真是浪漫。”他震惊道：“啊。你醒着呢？！”FML

Today, I took the bus to work and a sweet old lady got on after me and sat next to me. Halfway to work, she fell asleep and her head was on my shoulder. Trying to be nice, I gently tried to wake her up before my stop came. She wasn’t sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML

今天，我做公车去上班，后来旁边坐着个慈祥的老奶奶。公车到一半的时候，她睡着了，脑袋枕在了我的肩膀上。为了做个好青年，我在我的车站到之前才轻轻地打算弄醒她。实际上，这一路上她根本没在睡觉。也就是说，我让一个死人在我身上躺了30分钟。FML

Today, I thought I heard my little sister playing on my brand new grand piano. Angry, I ran downstairs to stop her. My parents were having sex. On my piano. FML

今天，我以为我听到了我的小妹妹在玩我的新的大钢琴。我十分生气，跑下楼去制止她。结果我发现声音的来源是我父母在我的新钢琴上OOXX。FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying hi. His response, “I got your best friend pregnant”. FML

今天，我给我男友发短信说：“Hi”。他的回复是：“我把你最好的朋友肚子搞大了”。FML

Today, I handed my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past year researching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set an autocorrect on Word that changed “neither” to “nigger.” I didn’t notice until after I handed it in. My professor is black. FML

今天，我上交了我的博士论文，我花了半年的时间做调查来写这篇论文。昨晚，我的室友在微软WORD里面的“自动更正”里面把“也不是(neither)”这个词全改成了“黑鬼(nigger)”。我一直到交了论文以后才发现。更糟糕的是我的教授就是个黑人。FML

Today, I went to my first strip club for my friends birthday. I also found out what my girlfriend does for a living. FML

今天，为了给我哥们庆祝生日我们第一次来到了脱衣舞俱乐部。我也发现了我的女友的工作室什么。FML

Today, I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can’t have sex for one month. My wedding is next weekend and the following two weeks are my honey moon. FML

今天，我发现因为我的血压太高，我一个月都不能OOXX。我的婚礼是下个星期，然后接下来的两个星期是蜜月。FML

Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me “Stop!” The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML

今天，我去牙医那里洗牙。我抬头看着他，发现有鼻涕往他的嘴唇上滴。我试图慢慢地挪开，他告诉我“别动！”结果他说话的动作导致那大块鼻涕径直掉进了我嘴里。FML

Today, I found out that I am 14 weeks pregnant. The father of the baby is now engaged to my best friend, whom he was cheating on me with when I became pregnant. I’m going to be the maid of honor, 8 months pregnant with his child, at their wedding. FML

今天，我发现我已经怀孕三个多月了。孩子他爸现在已经和我最好的朋友订婚，在我怀孕的时候他一直和她有一腿。我将会是他们婚礼上怀着新郎的孩子8个月的伴娘。FML

Today, I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checked to see if I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scolded for staying up. Turns out they were checking so that they could make love. I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for 20 minutes. FML

今天，我和我的祖父母睡在一个屋子里面。他们先是来确认我睡没睡着。为了不被责怪成熬夜，我就假装睡着了。结果，他们是想要OOXX，所以才来确认我是不是睡了的。我亲眼目睹了两个70岁老头老太太在我旁边的床上OOXX的情形。FML

Today, while I was out to eat, I was approached by the restaurant manager. He told me that while he respected my personal choices, his patrons didn’t feel comfortable with someone who used to be a man using the women’s restroom. He thought I was a transsexual. I am a naturally-born female. FML

今天，我在外面吃饭的时候，饭店经理来找我谈话。他说虽然他很尊重我的个人选择，但是他的顾客们对于一个“曾经是男人”的女人用女卫生间感到非常不舒服。也就是说，他们以为我是个变性人。而我是个天生的女人。FML

Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediatly ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said “Bermuda, 1989″. They’ve told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I’ve seen my own conception. FML

今天，我在翻看我父母的旧的家庭录像。我把其中一个放进了录像机，惊恐地发现那里录着我的父母在做爱做的事。我立刻弹出了录像带并且看了看那上面的标签。上面写着：“百慕大，1989”。他们曾经告诉我说我就是在那个时候的百慕大群岛上被怀上的。我看到了自己被怀上的情形。FML

Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML

今天，我自己一人来到了我和我男友第一次约会的地方：一个孤僻的山上。我注意到有另一对情侣藏在灌木丛中亲热。于是我打电话给我男友，想要告诉他说有人找到了属于我们的秘密幽会地点。然后我就听到了我男友手机的Bob Marley的彩铃声从那堆灌木里飘来。FML

Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things got heated up and we started making out. One thing lead to another and the next thing I knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said “Do you believe in Jesus?” FML

今天，我和一个女孩在我公寓里面打发时间……然后我们都来了感觉，就开始亲热。一步接着一步，然后我知道她要准备给我KJ。我正做好爽的准备，她突然停了下来，抬起头来望着我的眼睛说……“你信耶稣吗？”FML

Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He’s barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, “Thanks for last night”, and leaves. FML

今天，我被我老爸突然造访我宿舍的敲门声所吵醒。我把门打开对着在门外的他打招呼，这时候我的室友脱光了衣服拉开了门，亲了我的脸颊，用一种超级搞基的声音说“昨晚你真棒”以后跑了。FML

Today, I was standing by the bed naked, waiting for my wife to come out of the bathroom. She opens the door and walks over to me, swinging her hips, wearing pratically nothing. About four feet from me, she trips on the edge of the floor mat, and uses my ‘junk’ to catch herself. FML

今天，我光着身子站在床边，等着我老婆从浴室里面出来。她打开了浴室的门走向我，扭动着她的腰，什么都没穿。当她离我有四英尺的时候，她在地板垫上跌了一跤，而且用了我的JJ来稳住身形。FML

Today, I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, when I heard my parents having sex, so I put on my headphones. After listening to music for a good long while, I figured they were done by now, so I took off the headphones just in time to hear them finish. FML

今天，我躺在床上试图睡着，可是就在此时我听见了我父母在OX。所以我戴上了耳机听音乐。听了好长好长一段时间之后，我想他们应该已经完事了，所以我摘下了耳机。结果我刚好赶上他们结束那一段。FML

Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don’t have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML

今天，我老板发了条短信把我炒了鱿鱼。我没给手机申请短信包月。也就是说我花了25美分来被炒。FML

Today, I was driving on the freeway when I get a call from my friend explaining that our two best friends died in a car accident. I pulled over in hysterics and a cop came to see what was wrong. I explained what happened and he gave me a ticket for talking on the phone while driving. FML

今天，我在高速上开车的时候接到了一个电话，得知了我两个最好朋友因交通事故而死。我歇斯底里地把车快速在道边停下，然后过来一个交警问我怎么了。我解释了一切，结果他给了我一张罚单，说是因为我在开车的同时使用手机。FML

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex at his house. When we got there, he checked his mail box first and noticed that his Wii game arrived. He sent me home so he can play. FML

今天，我男友和我决定在他的家里OOXX。我们到了以后，他先去看信箱里面有没有信，然后就发现他订购的Wii的游戏到货了。他把我送回了家因为他更想玩游戏。FML

Today, I went over to surprise my girlfriend of two years with flowers and dinner at her apartment. After i knocked, a handsome young man answered the door. Thinking I had the wrong apartment, I apologized only to hear my girlfriend’s voice call from the background: “Baby, who’s there?” FML

今天，拿着鲜花和晚餐，打算给我认识了两年的女友一个惊喜。我敲了敲她公寓的们——然后一个英俊的年轻男人打开了门。我以为我敲错了门，道了歉转身准备离开的时候，我听到了我女朋友的声音——“宝贝，门口的是谁？”FML

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his college and when I walked into the dorm he was lying in his bed with another girl. When he saw me he simply said, “April Fool’s!” It’s March 19th. FML

今天，我打算给我上大学的男友一个惊喜。我走进了他的宿舍，发现他和另一个女的躺在床上。他看见了我，说了句：“愚人节快乐！”那天是3月19号。FML

Today, my friends approached me and accused me of being anorexic cause i’ve dropped a lot of weight lately. I swore to them that i wasn’t anorexic. They jokingly asked “Do you have cancer or something?” All i could do was stare at my feet. That wasn’t exactly how i wanted them to find out. FML

今天，我的朋友怀疑我得了厌食症因为我最近掉了很多秤。我对他们发誓说我没得厌食症。他们开玩笑说：“那你是得了癌症什么的吗？”我除了盯着我的脚不知道以外不知道该如何反应——我并没指望他们以这种形式发现我得了癌症。FML

Today, I was fingering my girlfriend. When suddenly she started crying at the peak of her orgasm, when I asked what was wrong, she replied. “I-I-I MISS HIM!” She was crying about her ex boyfriend. While I was inside her. FML

今天，我在用手指X女友。她在高潮顶点的时候突然哭了起来。我问她发生了什么事，她回答说：“我——我——我——我想他！！”她是为了她的前男友在哭。我当时还在她体内。FML

Today, I sent an email to my best friend, telling him that I’m gay. When I was typing the email address in the “to:” field, it autocorrected the address to my mother. She just responded: “you filthy faggot”. FML

今天，我发了封邮件给我最好的朋友，告诉他我是同志。当我在输入“发送到：”那一栏的时候，系统给我自动更正成了我妈的邮件地址。她只回复了一句：“你这肮脏的蛆虫。”FML

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex. I was a virgin and he wasn’t. About 30 seconds in he collapsed on me. I thought he was joking around and I started laughing. He wasn’t joking. He was done. FML

今天，我男友和我决定做爱做的事。我是CN，他不是。30秒以后，他倒在了我的身上。我以为他在开玩笑，就笑了几声。他没在开玩笑。他干完了。FML

Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon. FML

今天，我卫生棉在我的泳装旁边露出了一点点。我男友以为那是我比基尼多余的线头。于是乎他在大庭广众之下把我的卫生棉拉了出来。FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying “U got fingers, use them, im going to bed xoxo”. FML

今天，我给我6个月的男友发了条短信说我很想要，而且我躺在床上光着身子。他回了封信说：“你长了手指头，用它们，我去睡觉了亲爱的”。FML

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, he finally entered me, then paused and asked me, “what do I do now?” FML

今天，我男友和我第一次OOXX。在等待了非常长的一段时间之后，他终于进来了。这时他停了下来，问道——“好了，现在我该怎么办？”FML

Today, I got a phone call saying I was no longer a bridesmaid for a wedding in June. It’s my mom’s 4th wedding. I’m getting replaced by our dog. FML

今天，我接到电话说我不在时6月份婚礼的伴娘了。那婚礼是我妈的第四次婚礼。当她伴娘的将会是我家的狗。FML

Today, I opened my mail to find my Brown acceptance letter. Excited, I showed my dad who just laughed and said ‘what, it’s not like it’s Harvard’. No one in my family has ever gone to college. My dad didn’t even graduate from high school. FML

今天，我打开了邮箱发现我被布朗大学（美国常春藤盟校之一）录取了。我兴奋地告诉了我爸，他笑笑说：“啥啊，又不是哈佛。”我家里人除了我没人上过大学。我爸甚至高中都没毕业。FML

Today, I heard my boyfriend of 3 months talking with his friend, not knowing I could hear them. “Tonight’s the night,” my boyfriend says. “I’m finally going to tell her I love her!” I got really excited, deciding i loved him too. Then his friend says, “Awesome! But what about Kayla?” I’m Kayla. FML

今天，我听到了我交往3个月的男友和他的朋友聊天，它们不知道我能听到他们。“就是今晚了”，我男友说，“我要告诉她，我爱她！！”我非常兴奋，感觉我也非常爱他。然后他的朋友就说：“太好了。可是，凯拉怎么办？”我就是凯拉。FML

Today, it’s my birthday. I have gotten three calls all day. The first one was my fiancee, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancee for the past three months. The third was the dentist’s office singing me a happy birthday. FML

今天是我生日。我一整天只接到三个电话。第一个是我的未婚夫，说他要把订婚戒指拿回去。第二个是我最好的朋友，向我坦白说过去三个月来她一直和我的未婚夫行为不轨。第三个是我牙医的办公室，给我唱《祝你生日快乐》。FML

Today, after work I went to the parking lot to my car to go home. I found my car doors heavily scratched and all my tires cut, with a note on my windshield. The note read, “F*** you, Jackson. Don’t f*** with me.” I’m Tyler, Jackson is my co-worker. FML

今天，下班以后，我去停车场准备开车回家。我发现我的车的门被划伤得很厉害，我所有的车胎都被扎了。挡风玻璃上留着一张字条写着：“草NM，杰克逊。别耍老子。”我是泰勒。杰克逊是我同事。FML

Today, I fell asleep in history class. I was dreaming about my history teacher. When I woke up everyone stared at me rather weirdly and the teacher wasn’t there. Turns out I was moaning my history teachers name through my sleep. FML

今天，我在历史课里睡着了。我做梦梦见了我历史老师。我醒来的时候，我发现所有的人都奇怪地看着我，老师不在。结果发现是因为我在睡梦中呻吟着我历史老师的名字。FML

Today, I came home to find my mum on the phone to the doctor. When she hung up I asked what had happened. She said they found a sexually transmitted disease in my bloodtest, and then she began to call me a slut. I’m 14, and am still a virgin. After 5 mins of crying, she tells me she was joking. FML

今天，我回到家，我妈在给医生挂电话。我问她怎么了。她说医生在我的血检里面发现了一种性病，然后她说我是个婊子。我14岁而且还是处。大哭了5分钟以后，她告诉我说她只是在开玩笑。FML

Today, my son looked out of the window and said “what’s that piece of shit doing on our driveway?” It was the new car we were trying to surprise him with on his 16th birthday. FML

今天，我儿子望向窗户以外问道：“在车库门前停着的那坨垃圾是毛？”那是我打算送给他的，他16岁生日的新车。FML

Today, a 7 year old girl randomly came up to me and told me to f*** myself. I told her to watch her language or else I’d tell her parents. Her mom happened to be nearby and actually heard this conversation, she came up to me and told me to f*** myself as well. FML

今天，一个7岁的陌生小女孩突然走向我，跟我说“滚泥马。”我告诉她注意自己的口气，否则我就告诉她父母。***妈就在附近，而且她恰好听到了了我们的对话。于是她突然走向了也我跟我说了句“滚泥马”。FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend to see if he wanted to finally have sex today. His response was “Can’t, Platinum just came out.” I didn’t know what that meant so I searched “Platinum 3-22-2009″ on Google. I found out he’s talking about a new Pokemon game. FML

今天，我发短信给我的男友，问他到底想不想今天来亲热。他的回复是“不行，白金今天出。”我一开始没听懂，于是我去搜索了一下“白金，2009年3月22号”。结果我发现他是在说最新的口袋妖怪游戏。FML

Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 years old. The woman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh and apologized. FML

今天，我人生的第一次——让一个女人看到了我的JJ。我30了。那女的是我的医生。她打了个鼾来盖住她的大笑声，然后道了道歉。FML

Today, I turned 18. Nothing was said at breakfast, but I figured they’d remember and we’d have cake at night. I came home and there was cake, but not for me. My sister got her period for the first time during the day and they were celebrating. Apparently, a vaginal discharge was more important. FML

今天，我18岁了。早餐的时候没人吱一声，但是我想他们会记住，晚上我就有蛋糕吃了。我晚上回家看到了一个蛋糕——但是不是给我的。他们是在庆祝我的妹妹第一次月经来潮。很明显，他们认为一次生理反应比我的18岁生日更重要。FML

Today, I saw the blueprints for my family’s new house. My room is half the size of the room next to it. The room next to it is my step mom’s walk-in closet. FML

今天，我看到了我家新房子的图纸。我的屋子是旁边那个屋子大小的一半。“那个屋子”是我继母的大衣橱。FML

Today, I was feeling sick and having trouble breathing easily. I decided to take a nap and apparently ended up sleeping with my mouth wide open since breathing was an issue. I woke up to my boyfriend trying to put his penis in my mouth. FML

今天，我感觉有点病了，呼吸很不舒畅。我决定打个盹，嘴巴大张着因为呼吸很困难。我醒来的时候，发现我男友试图把他的那个放到我嘴里。FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. All of a sudden he jumped off of me, going “shit, shit!”. Worried, i asked him what was wrong. He shouted “I forgot to set my TiVO!” FML

今天，我在和我男朋友OOXX。突然，他从我身上跳下来，大喊：“该死，该死！”我很着急，问他怎么了。他大吼：“我忘了设定TiVO了！”（一种电视录像装置）. FML

Today, I went to meet my girlfriends parents for the first time. I accidently drove past their house the first time, but saw the whole family outside waiting to meet me. I pulled a U-Turn and heard a thud. The whole family watched me run over their dog. FML

今天，我第一次去看我女朋友的父母。我第一次不小心开过头了，但是看到了他们全家在外面等我。我调了个头，然后就听到了砰的一声。他们全家的人看着我压扁了他们的狗。FML

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend of nine months when she gets a phone call and decides to answer it. It was her fiance that I knew nothing about. She told me she was engaged while I was still inside of her. FML

今天，我在和我交往了9个月的女友OOXX。有人给她打电话，她决定去接。给她打电话的是她的未婚夫——我完全不知道有这号人。她在我还在她的体内的时候说：她订婚了。FML

Today, I found out I won a 20 000 or 30 000 dollar scholarship. After celebrating with my family by jumping around the room for a half-hour, we realized it was addressed to someone else with the same last name. When we called to tell her, she said it was weird because she had received my rejection letter. FML

今天，我发现我赢了份20000 - 30000的奖学金。在屋里和我家人跳上跳下庆祝了半个小时以后，我们才意识到这信是寄给另一个和我们姓一样的人的。我们和她联系上以后，她说这事真是奇怪，因为她收到的是我的拒信。FML

Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: “love mom.” FML

今天，我想拿个套套因为我的男友和我打算第一次OX。当我打开抽屉时，我看到每个套套都被一个耶稣形象的别针扎破了。盒子上面有个字条：“爱你的妈妈。”FML

Today, my father asked me if he could borrow my electric razor because he wanted to “surprise mom later”. Anxious to see him without his life-long beard, I willingly agreed. About half an hour later he exited the bathroom. Beard fully intact. FML

今天，我老爹问我借电动剃须刀因为他想要“给我妈一个惊喜”。我非常想看他把他留了几乎一辈子的大胡子剃掉，于是我很高兴地答应了他。半个小时以后，他从洗手间出来了。胡子还是好好的。FML

[这个非常内涵…]

Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. We haven’t had sex yet. FML

今天，我女友跟我说她有了。我还没干啥呢。FML

Today, my parents punished me and made me wash my mouth out with soap for cursing. I’m almost 19. I said the word “hell”. FML

今天，我父母因为我“说了句脏话”而惩罚我用肥皂洗嘴。我都快19了。我说了句“靠”。FML

Today, I was on the bus going to formal for my sorority. I was sitting in the 5th row of the bus when I felt raindrops on my face coming through the open window. I then realized it wasn’t raining, but the girl in the 1st row was throwing up out her window and it was coming back in through my window. FML

今天，我坐在公车上去联谊会。我坐在公车第5排，感觉到有雨点从窗外飘进来。然后我意识到那不是雨点，而是第1排有个女的吐了，她吐到窗外的东西从我的窗户飞了进来。FML

Today, my parents won’t stop bragging about how my sister is dating the captain of her high school football team. I just got accepted to law school. FML

今天，我父母不停地吹嘘说我妹妹正在和学校美式足球队队长约会。我刚刚被法学院录取。FML

Today, we got our yearbooks for school. I opened to my profile to see that they misspelled my first name which is James. They wrote Lames. FML

今天，我们要从学校拿毕业纪念册。我翻到了我的简历那一页，发现他们把我的名拼错了。我的名是James（詹姆斯）。他们拼成了Lames（烂透的）。FML

Today, I was taking a shower with my new boyfriend for the first time. Last night was the first night we spent together. As I was washing my hair, I looked down at my feet and noticed yellow water. Some of the warm water I felt on my feet was not from the shower head. FML

今天，我第一次和我的新男友一起淋浴。昨天晚上是我们一起度过的第一晚。我在洗头的时候，我向下看去，注意到了有“黄水”。也就是说，我的脚一开始感觉到的温暖的水不是从喷头里出来的。FML

Today, I was arrested because my 6 year old son called the police saying that I was hitting my wife and that she was crying. My wife and I were having sex. FML

今天，我被逮捕了，因为我6岁的儿子打电话叫警察，说我把我的妻子打得哭了。我和我老婆当时在OOXX。FML

Today, I came home early from work to surprise my son with a new mountain bike for his birthday. To keep it a surprise I carried it quietly up to his bedroom. As I opened the door I heard my son say “Oh man, you’re gonna make me cum” to the nice girl he was on top of. He just turned 14. FML

今天，我提前下班回家，买了辆新的山地车来给他个生日惊喜。为了让他吃一惊，我蹑手蹑脚地来到了他的房门前。我一开门就听到他对他压在身下的女孩说：“哦，天哪，我要S了。”他才刚14。FML

Today, I went to get a sports physical at a hospital. My nurse was morbidly obese and unattractive. She told me she would go through the tests listed on the sheet. She did everything, including feeling my genitalia. When it was done, I read over the sheet. Genitalia wasn’t a test listed. FML

今天，我去医院做运动体检。我的护士肥的要死而且非常难看。她说她会检查所有单子上写的部分。她做了一切她能做的，甚至包括检查我的JJ部分。体检结束以后，我看了看那张单子。里面没有生育器官检查。FML

Today, I logged onto my computer to access a video from my p*** stash. However, the folder was empty except for my favourite file. Thinking that a virus deleted everything, I was thankful my favourite file remained. When I opened it, I saw a video of my parents telling me not to masturbate. FML

今天，我打开电脑查看我的AV收藏。但是，文件夹除了“我的最爱”文档以外全都空了。我以为是病毒删了所有的东西，但是很庆幸“我的最爱”文档没被删。我打开了以后，看到里面是一个我父母的录像教育我说“SY是不对滴”。FML

Today, I saw a lesbian couple walking through the mall. One of the ladies walked up to me in the middle of the busy mall and started screaming at me about how rude it is to stare, and how we are all equal- straight or not. I was only staring because I’m a lesbian too, and they were hot. FML

今天，我看到了一对女同性恋在购物中心里逛。其中一个在繁忙的过道里走向我，然后开始大喊盯着她们是怎么怎么地粗鲁，还有不管性取向如何所有的人都应该是平等的。我盯着她们的原因是我也是搞百合的，而且我觉得她们很靓。FML

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was done, I turned around to see him holding a strap-on with a smile on his face and said ‘Now, do me’. FML

今天，我男友和我决定试试X菊花。当他结束了以后，我转过身来，发现他面带微笑地拿着一个绑在腰带上的橡胶JJ，对我说：“现在来X我。”FML

Today, I asked my parents to sign for me to enlist in the military. They asked me how much money the government gives them if I die. FML

今天，我拜托我父母帮我报名加入军队。结果他们问我的是如果我死了，政府能补贴多少钱。FML